Brian Crimmins

In the past week I, like many, have spent time about town shopping for last-minute holiday gifts. I also spent a day at a local theme park during one the busiest times of the year. In both experiences, I had a great deal of exposure to a wide sampling from the general populace. Being a writer, I watch and listen to what happens around me, and between the shops and the theme park, I was able to come to this conclusion:

Although the world did not end on December 21, the death of modern manners and common courtesy has come to pass.

I’m not even referencing the more complex aspects of etiquette such as where to place the salad fork or how to write a thank you note. I am speaking of those everyday actions that should be rule, not the exception. Things like saying, “Please,” and “Thank you.” Holding a door for someone. Smiling and being cordial. This was not the world I have seen in the past week.

No, the world I saw featured homicidal stroller-pushing parents, angry people snapping at grumpy people, pushing, shoving, and cutting in line for starters. I was not in a place of refined grace and elegance (which, I believe, is still possible in today’s contemporary society), a place of cordiality and appropriateness. No, I saw a world of visible butt cracks and crass slogans on ratty T-shirts. I saw a world where people were out for themselves, or simply so consumed by their smartphone they appeared to forget they were not the only person around (or on the road).

I am not making a plea for a return to Victorian ways; however, I am posing a few serious questions: Why have we become a rude, angry, and inappropriate society? Isn’t there even just a smidgen of class to be found deep within which can be demonstrated toward others? Isn’t there just one day you could say, “Thank you” or “Excuse me” to someone, or perhaps pull your pants up so I don’t have to see the colorful boxers you are sporting, or even put that cell phone down while you’re behind the wheel of a 2,000-pound automobile going 70 miles per hour down a crowded highway? Am I reaching for the stars?

This, I am sure, will not be my only call for a little class and grace. Perhaps this will become one of my personal platforms in 2013. What I know for sure is joy can be found when one is on one’s best behavior, when things are kept in order, and calm, rational people are kind to each other.

Those who know me know that I, for the most part, am a pretty organized person.  I like structure and order and try to establish a framework in which I can be sure to get done all that requires my attention.  Although I don’t have children, my partner and I do lead an active social life. I’m a senior manager at work.  I am pursuing my Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing, taking two classes per semester. I teach knitting once a month at a local yarn store (The Black Sheep on N. Mills Ave. in Orlando, Florida).  I have a lot going on.  

Someone asked me the other day, “How do you do it?” and it took me a moment to consider how to reply to that question.  I wondered if there were specific strategies I did put in place to try to run my life in as smooth and as efficient manner as possible.

I thought about what may make it a bit easier for me to keep things in order and get things done.  I hadn’t consciously had to articulate those strategies before – they had long only served as my internal compass.  Through that exercise, here are a few that surfaced I thought you might find useful as well:

Be clear about your priorities.

You have to make very distinct decisions about your priorities, about what is important to you, and what is not negotiable.  For me, my partner, my work, and my academic endeavors are the top three on the list, so anytime I have to make decisions about using time, I consider my three priorities first, before I think about doing anything else that may or may not involve what matters most to me.

This sounds easy to do, but if you stop to look at the decisions you make about how you use time, you might find that your actions aren’t driving you toward realizing your goals, discovering your dreams.  Take a few minutes to think about what is most important to you, and think about what actions you need to take to help you operate in alignment with your priorities.

Consider solutions that help you accomplish all you desire (not just one at the expense of the other).

Once you are clear about your priorities, you may find yourself in situations where others may look to you to make a choice of one over another.  What I try to do is look for creative solutions that allow me to accomplish multiple objectives.  For example, I may have a work meeting scheduled at a time when I typically drive out to campus for class.  The solution is to ask for a conference call number so I can participate in the meeting while I’m driving to school, then when I get off the call, I’m at school and ready to go to class.  Both priorities are addressed and all needs are met.

It’s not always that easy, but when you go into these types of decisions with an open-mind, and clarity about what is important to you, it can be easier to express your needs and wants so others know how to work with you and how to support you in your efforts.

Life isn’t only about doing.  It’s about planning, and then doing.

Another pitfall I often see if that people don’t take regular intervals of time to plan.  There are days when I, too, am guilty of doing that.  The minute you get in the office, someone is asking your view on something, you get pulled into an ad hoc meeting, or an issue has emerged that requires your leadership and full engagement.  There are always unplanned events that take us away from our plan.

In general, however, I have found if I take a few minutes at the beginning and end of each day to take stock, think about what needs to get done, plan for the next day, review my calendar to know where I am to be first thing in the morning, and make my list, the day is often much smoother and I have a greater sense of accomplishment at the end because I have peace of mind that what needed to get done was completed.

Make a list and refer to it often.

In this age of mobile devices and smart phones, the ability to make a list, refer to it often, and indicate an item’s completion has never been easier.  Some say, “I don’t have time to make a list.  I barely have enough time to get all my work done.”  My question is: How do you know you’re doing the right work?  Another is how do you know the work you are doing is what is needed most at this time?  How do you know you’re not on the cusp of missing a deadline that arrives the very next day?  

Different methods of organization appeal to different personality types, and there isn’t one “right” way to get organized.  What matters is that you acknowledge you need a system, and that you experiment until you find one that works for you, one that helps you deliver on all cylinders in the many different areas of your life.

I know it’s not easy, and I know you can do it!  

I recently returned from my first trip to Paris.  The city was much as it has been portrayed in films or literature.  But being in the presence of the Arc de Triomphe, the experience of walking the arcade at the Grand Trianon, looking out at its symmetrically coiffed gardens, were far more than I could have imagined.  In my brief time there, however, there are a few themes about the French experience I brought back with me and hope to implement in my own life.  Perhaps, you will, too.

Appreciate beauty.

Everywhere I went in Paris, there was beauty.  First, in architecture, there was the graceful arching shapes of the Tour Eiffel, the radiant gold gates of Versailles.  In fashion, the sleek lines and colorful displays of the Louis Vuitton flagship store on Avenue des Champs-Élysées, the scarves waving in the display windows of Hermés.  In food, slices of duck in a sweet marinade and garnished with roasted pistachios, a chilled soup of tomato, watermelon and strawberry poured over shrimp.  Whatever the observation, there is always something beautiful to see in Paris.  That beauty is so profound and so prolific, it appears as a quintessential cornerstone of French life.

Take your time.

Although I know that many Parisians leave town for three weeks in August, the early mornings in the city were often quiet and serene.  In America, on any given morning at around 8 a.m., any Starbucks would be bustling with a long queue of amped up coffee-seekers, and few of them sit down to enjoy their coffee.  On a metro full of tourists and locals, on most days, I would be the only one with the signature Starbucks coffee cup in hand.  This demonstrated to me the idea that nobody should rush enjoying coffee, there served most often in charming demitasse cups and brewed as espresso.  

Another practice is that you have to actually ask for the bill at the conclusion of a meal.  << L’addition, s’il vous plaît.>>  It is the notion that the diner is the one who decides when the meal is done, not the server. In America, it is about turning tables, about finishing things quickly to get on to the next thing to do.  I think I appreciate the French approach much more, not rushing, being present, taking time to enjoy and appreciate whatever it is I am doing.

Ignite the senses.

This is a follow-up on the appreciation of beauty, but it also goes much further.  A visit to Paris is a buffet for the senses, a turbo-charged ignition of sensory experiences that, frankly, can only be imitated elsewhere, never replicated.  

The coq au vin tastes much better when enjoyed in an outdoor cafe peering across the street at the Comédie-Française, the roasted duck a delight more so because as I savor bite after bite, I am looking across the Seine River to the bell towers of Notre Dame.  

The parfums bring the olfactory nerves to life, whether made by a larger name such as Terre d’Hermés or something unique to Paris such as Santal Noble, made exclusively by Maitre Parfumeur et Gantier.  Whatever the pursuit, it should be for pleasure, should bring joy from flavor, fragrance, or beauty.

I have only just begun to process through the many experiences I enjoyed in Paris.  What I do know for sure, however, is I will, most certainly, return to the City of Lights again.

I am fascinated with language, and often in my conversations, I listen closely not only to the actual words people say, but I consider intuitively what the underlying subtext appears to be.  After reading “The Secret,” as many millions have, I became an advocate of the phrase, “Thoughts Become Things,” primarily because I have seen how, in my own life, this really is true.  

In our caffeine-fueled marketplace, where things move so quickly, decisions are made in haste, and we are often “listening to respond” rather than “listening to understand,” it’s very easy to pick up terms in our everyday vernacular for which we may not realize the underlying messages they send to others, or anchor in our own subconscious minds.  One phrase I hear people say often is, “I have to do ___.”  As I thought about this, in contrast to the phrase I hear much less, “I choose to ___,” there are different effects these two statements have.

When we say, “I have to ___,” it implies there is someone telling us we have to do something.  It indicates there is direction coming from someone else, and we might think we don’t have a choice in the matter.  So, when we can say we are doing something we, perhaps, don’t want to do, we can project our frustration or anger against someone else because “they told us to do something.”  Because the action is attributed to someone else, it is easier to place blame on them, rather than own the outcomes we, ourselves, yield.

When we say, “I choose to ___,” it implies that I have chosen to do what needs to be done.  I take responsibility for my actions, and I recognize that everything  I do is, ultimately, related to a choice I make.  This also requires us to take responsibility for any outcomes that may come of our choices – we can’t blame others when we say, “I chose to do __,” versus saying, “I have to do __ because __ told me to.”

You may think, “Now, really, when I am at work, for example, and my boss tells me something I have to do, I have to do it.”  I would argue again that we choose the jobs we are in, and we choose to do the things we do at our jobs.  If we want to keep our jobs, we choose to complete the tasks we are asked to do – but again I say, ultimately, we still have ultimate choice in that matter.  But if we say, “My boss tells me I have to ___ or I have to ___,” then when we are unhappy or frustrated, we can blame our boss, and not take responsibility for our own careers, our own development, or simply for the fact we didn’t communicate our needs, wants, or points of view accordingly.

I am not saying that by changing our words we need to take different actions (although that may be something you learn in the process).  When we embrace using language like, “I choose to ___” it empowers us to take responsibility for our own actions – all of them – and to also enjoy or address the outcomes.  

It’s very easy for us to get caught up in the pace of life.  As we find ourselves in various circumstances, it’s much easier to say, “I have to __ because he told me to,” or “I have to __ because she asked me to.”  Ultimately, whatever you do, you choose every action you take.  It’s the language you use to label those actions that will set you on a path that either allows you to complain and groan, remain frustrated or anxious, and blame others (“I have to __”) or that empowers you, that reminds you each action you take is of your own choosing, and that you can and will take responsibility for every action you take, whether the result is favorable or not.

The next time you hear, “I have to ___” come out of your mouth in conversation, consider reframing it by saying, “I choose to __.”  Consider a kind and gentle reminder to yourself that, ultimately, what you are doing is your choice, and choosing your words is an easy first step to take toward new directions on your empowered path.  But, certainly, it’s your choice.