Seeking Satisfaction: A Balanced Approach

19 Feb

At various points in my life I have had differing priorities.  In my twenties, I really wanted to be in a relationship.  In my thirties, after finally finding the relationship, I focused more on career development.  Now, in my forties, I find they are shifting once again, looking for a sense of satisfaction across many areas of life.  

I see people who really do put all of their eggs in one basket.  They become consumed by a relationship because they think it will bring them all the happiness they need.  They fully immerse themselves in their work, only to realize their children have grown distant and resentful, or their partner has disengaged or left.  I’ve personally witnessed people who do this, eventually to their detriment.

What I have come to realize is that satisfaction, a full and complete sense of wholeness, can’t ever originate from things, people, circumstances outside of myself.  There is a point when it becomes clear that anytime we give the power to “make us happy” to something or someone else, we give up the ownership and responsibility we have to generate our own happiness from within.  Now, that does not mean that a loving relationship or wonderful family or a strong circle of friends do not serve as complements to one’s life and experience because they absolutely do.  But if our whole sense of satisfaction and happiness is derived from these relationships, the minute something goes awry or becomes challenging or difficult, we are tossed asunder in an emotional sea.

Just as investors will tell you to diversify your portfolio, I would also suggest it’s important to do the same thing when it comes to seeking satisfaction and living your life’s purpose.  Building your entire life around work, or around a person consumes you and carries with it a multitude of other side effects.  But filling your life with a mix of people and activities that bring you joy, that lift your spirits, or that inspire you is healthy.  Variety really is the spice of life and it’s important to maintain a balance.  When we place our happiness at the whim of people, or of a singular activity, we lose sight of the bigger picture and miss out on all that life has to offer.

I find I also go through seasons where one activity is particularly engaging but another not as much.  As tastes and priorities change, so, too, will these pursuits change for you.  For me, starting graduate school and pursuing a Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing was something I had wanted to do for some time, and the knowledge and experiences I have gained in just two semesters has brought so much into my life. Celebrating ten years with my partner in 2011 and continuing to live our lives together brings great joy and learning to me.  Leading people at work gives me another sense of satisfaction; serving others and helping them to develop and grow is another element of my job I enjoy.  And I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge the simple pleasures that knitting has brought me and how it continues to serve as a great activity not only for getting centered and grounded, but also as a never-ending source of creative inspiration and output.

If you find that you have allowed one activity, one person, one relationship to consume you and your life, the good news is that, ultimately, you can make the choice to do things differently.  Think about how much more you could get out of life – and all that you can give to others – when you take a more balanced approach to discovering and enjoying all that life has to offer.

 

A Conversation with Marion Roach Smith

1 Feb

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Last summer, before I started my MFA Program at University of Central Florida, I was reading a lot of books about writing memoir.  It was then I stumbled across The Memoir Project: A Thoroughly Non-Standardized Text for Writing & Life by Marion Roach Smith.  The prose was engaging, the personal anecdotes captivating, and I was intrigued by the author’s point of view on things like writing exercises and prompts.  During the fall semester, I made contact with Marion via email and after a few exchanges we found the opportunity to speak last week.  

In 1983, Marion, age 26 at the time and working at The New York Times, wrote the first first-person account of Alzheimer’s disease.  Her mother was 51 and had been diagnosed with the disease, at that time something unfamiliar to most.  The New York Times Magazine let Marion write the story and she ended up on the Today show the next day to talk about her experiences.  ”It was a game changer,” she said, “I hadn’t thought I was writing memoir, but of course I was.”

As we discussed the evolution of memoir as a genre, Marion agreed that it should be considered a genre and within it, “you could write about your great-grandfather to yesterday’s lunch.  You could write personal essays or op-ed pieces for local newspapers.  You could write long-form memoir or about one particular thing in your life.”  Marion also acknowledges the importance of social media and, in particular, blogging.  ”Blogging has had a huge impact – it’s like this hammer we hit the big old memoir with and broke it into pieces.  It makes the genre more flexible.”

In addition to writing four books, Marion also teaches memoir writing workshops.  Years ago, she was on the board of a local arts center where she opined one too many times about the class offering entitled, “Getting in touch with the right side of your brain using your angel feather.”  Finally, they suggested Marion teach the class.  She does not use angel feathers or address the genre in metaphysical terms.  Instead she says, “I believe in the hard chair, lots of caffeine, and you sit there until you get the thing done.  I teach about writing with intent.  I don’t do exercises and prompts and try to get students going to the form they really love or other forms they haven’t yet considered. It started as kind of a dare, but fourteen years later, it’s been really successful and I’m teaching all over the place now.”

When Marion and I traded emails last fall, I was taking a “Teaching Creative Writing” class at school.  I was intrigued by her adamant rejection of writing exercises and prompts so I asked her more about that when we spoke.  ”Writing exercises are the quickest road to hell.  They give you the sense you’re good at this writing thing.  They give a false sense of security that you don’t need. You need to get to the work.”  I was curious, though, how does she then teach people memoir writing without giving them an opportunity to try new techniques.  ”We motivate them by the work of others.  We don’t write in class, we read in class.  We start with the personal essay – it’s the best way to learn how to write.  750 words or fewer and it’s about you.”  Much of her six-week course focuses on students reading their work to each other.  While some continually revise one piece for the entire six weeks, others write a new piece each week.  

The inspiration for The Memoir Project book came from her sister, Margaret Roach, former Editorial Director for Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia.  Margaret stepped away from her corporate job in Manhattan to live peacefully in the country, but found when she sat down to write about her experience in doing so, it was difficult.  ”I’m struggling,” Margaret told Marion, “what do you tell your students?”  Marion sent provocations to her sister through email and Margaret told Marion she should put them into a book.  ”We self-published it as sisters with a different title and cover.  We sold every copy, then called our agent and said, ‘Look what we made!’  She loved the book, took it to auction, and sold it to my favorite publisher.  I love this little book.”

I asked Marion what her greatest advice would be for memoir writers.  ”It would be to take the chances of writing in non-traditional form.  Try making a list.  What did you take when you walked out of a horrible relationship.  Take some chances.  There are  recipes for bad relationships – I’d love to see what yours is.  Don’t just think of memoir as that one big book – take a crack at something smaller, cooler, harder, that will bring you to your knees.”  And, though no surprise, when asked what her counsel would be to those who teach memoir, she replied, “No more writing prompts!  I would like them to try it without them, I really would.  Exercises are just barriers – throw them away.”

Through our email exchange, we also learned that, in addition to having our passion for writing in common, we are also both knitters.  I couldn’t finish our conversation without asking her about her current knitting project.  ”I had this sweater I bought in Paris years ago and I wore it to death.  It’s a psychedelic orange in mohair and silk.  I have set out to copy it in a combination of mohair, linen, and nylon – it’s delicious!”  She was kind enough to ask me about my latest projects and recalled a recent blog post of mine in which I wrote about My Foray into Fair Isle.  ”That’s the beauty of knitting,” she said, “What a joy!”

To order copies of “The Memoir Project,” visit this page on Amazon.com.

To visit Marion’s wonderful website with great tips on writing, visit The Memoir Project.

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My Foray into Fair Isle

8 Jan

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Over my Winter break from graduate school, I took the time to get reacquainted with my knitting.  First, I overcame my anxiety over knitting socks and successfully knit two pair.  Then, as many knitters do, I began exploring patterns and looking for inspiration when I found the pattern and instructional videos for a Fair Isle hat.

At first glance, Fair Isle knitting looks incredibly complicated.  People gaze at these types of projects in amazement wondering how exactly they are created.  I, too, had similar trepidation at the thought of knitting something in a Fair Isle motif but as I began to learn more, I learned a few things that helped me complete the two projects pictured in this post.

In Fair Isle knitting, you never use more than two colors on any given row.

These patterns are deceiving because it appears as if the colors overlap or are intertwined in some form or fashion.  The reality is that the project is knit one row at a time, and you use a chart to know when to knit with Color A or Color B.  It may appear as if multiple colors are being used on the same row, but according to what I have read, only two colors should be used on any given row.

In Fair Isle knitting, most of the stitches are basic knits and purls.

In sweater construction, I am sure there are other types of stitches used, but in hats and scarfs as pictured above, I used nothing more than the knit stitch and the purl stitch.  No fancy footwork here!

In Fair Isle knitting, it is critical to watch tension and make sure you are not tightening the colors that are carried across the row.

When you switch from one color to another on a row, you carry the yarn across the previous stitches made from the other color you are using.  When doing this, it is important to keep the tension light and to not tighten the carried yarn.  This will create puckers in your fabric and your project will not lay flat.  This was a point illuminated in a video I watched and it was extremely helpful to note as I worked on these two projects.

In Fair Isle knitting, the inspiration is endless.

Although I’m not sure I will finish it before the Spring semester begins tomorrow, I have started a second Fair Isle hat using the same pattern as pictured.  I have, however, changed the colors, and I have found an alternate 13-row pattern to repeat around the crown of the hat.  That is what I love about this — you master a pattern and then you can morph it by altering the color selections, the designs on the item, and so much more.

Whatever your art may be, find new inspiration as the year begins by learning a new technique, something that not only builds your skills, but that takes your art in exciting new directions!

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What 2011 Taught Me

1 Jan

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On this, the first day of the New Year, I thought I would take a few minutes to highlight some things that 2011 taught me.

Sock knitting, like most challenges, gets easier with diligent and perseverant effort.

I have written other posts about my love/hate relationship with sock knitting.  When I first took lessons and constructed my initial pair of socks under supervision, they seemed like fairly easy projects.  Later, however, when I attempted to recreate that experience while flying solo, the second pair ended in moderate disaster.  But as year’s end drew closer, I revisited socks, found some fantastic tutorial videos, and decided to master the technique using double-pointed needles and worsted weight yarn (instead of finer sock yarn) and found great success.  Two pairs completed.

What that experience also gave me was more confidence in now returning to regular sock knitting with smaller needles and yarn because I have been able to practice the basic techniques.  Ultimately, sock knitting is not difficult and unless you are using some fancy pattern, a good solid pair of socks involves knitting and purling and decreases.  My prior problem was stitch positioning using Magic Loop technique and picking up stitches.  DPNs took care of the Magic Loop issue, and the videos got me through picking up stitches.  I think I’m ready to work on more sock projects in the future.

Believing in myself isn’t always easy, but when I do it, I can make my goals come to life.

At 41, I feel good about the place I am at for this point in my life.  But for the last few years I have had a nagging dream to return to college to get my Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing degree.  First, I didn’t believe I could, after being out of college for a very long time, comfortably score well enough on the Graduate Record Exam.  Finally, I took two months to study, scheduled my test appointment, and I did it.  Then, I focused on my portfolio and gathered best practices from friends who are MFA graduates.  In March 2011, I received notification that I had, in fact, been accepted to the MFA program at University of Central Florida.

This milestone was months in the making and represented so much to me and helped me gain confidence I would need to dive in to my studies as the Fall semester began.  I won’t lie and say it was easy.  In fact, my first week I had that moment driving to school one evening where I thought to myself, “What the hell have I done?  What have I signed up for?”  But as I had an opportunity to meet my fellow students and began to actively engage in the learning process, I gained confidence once again and found that I really could do what I had set my mind to.  It was a “Make it work!” moment and that I did.

The sanctity of “marriage” has more to do with who is involved, not whether our legal system accounts for all relationships or not.

On a political note, I think there were even more examples of situations that illuminated that the “sanctity of marriage” as enforced by a law or court ruling has much more to do with the people in the relationship than it does with said law or ruling.  I understand there are benefits and privileges that come with governmentally sanctioned marriages; but ultimately, one of the most important things I learned this year as I celebrated my 10th anniversary with my partner is that we don’t need anyone to “sanction” our relationship as significant, meaningful, special, romantic, or valuable to society.  As one of the characters in “Too Wong Foo…” says, “Your approval is neither desired nor required!”  

Whether the government sanctions or acknowledges my longtime relationship with my partner or not, the reality is that I have this amazing bond with the man I love and who loves me in return.  No political party or government can ever impede on that or take that away from me — but being able to enjoy the over 1,000 benefits and privileges heterosexual couples garner by marrying would certainly be icing on the cake.  (And the best part is that when same-sex marriage eventually passes, nobody currently able to get married loses out on a darn thing!)

For those that claim that allowing same-sex marriage destroys the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman, I simply ask this question:  Would relationships be better in general if we focused on tending to those relationships instead of fighting for something that wouldn’t be lost anyway?  So many opponents fight to maintain the sanctity of marriage – but after any news broadcast it’s easy to wonder what sanctity is there?  Kim Kardashian’s 72-day debacle?  The eventual dissolution between Ashton and Demi?  Political resignations for leaving the country with a girlfriend or sexting naked photos of oneself (and not to one’s spouse)?  

If the propaganda focused more on how to make relationships better across the board (rather than furthering the illusion that one type of relationship is “better” than another) I wonder how much better life would be for everyone.

Happy New Year!

 

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Sock Knitting Victory (and What I Learned Along the Way)

25 Dec

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Most knitters, in my experience, practice learning the basic knit and purl stitches by making a scarf as their first project. One could knit only scarves and find an endless array of stitches, patterns, and yarns to use to make each one unique. But after a while, one tires of the back-and-forth rhythm a scarf provides and the knitter seeks out more challenging projects in order to make something different and also to learn new stitches and techniques for making shaped, fitted items (e.g., hats and gloves). I did just that about one year into my knitting practice. I wanted to learn how to knit socks.

After trying to decipher patterns and instructions for sock knitting I thought it best to take a class at my local yarn store. The class used the Magic Loop technique (knitting socks using a circular needle) and having one-on-one instruction and monitoring to get through the most challenging parts of the pattern were helpful. Then, I attempted to do this on my own.

Using small needles and sock yarn (which is, as you could imagine, thin as well), I quickly cast on my next pair after the first was completed and to my chagrin, without personal attention and coaching, I struggled. I struggled with two specific sections of the pattern – but two sections that are important parts of constructing the heel and moving towards the foot of the sock.

These early solo attempts ended in disaster. And it doesn’t help that when I make a mistake on a project that I typically stick it back in a plastic freezer bag until I am, eventually, inspired to rip it out or to attempt to fix the jumbled, tangled mess left in my wake.

As 2011 approached, I wrote a list, as I do each year, of things I want to accomplish, my goals for the year. These are not resolutions, but more an action plan. Knitting socks was on that list. So, recently, a friend told me about Staci Perry’s fantastic site, Very Pink, and there I found not only clear, well-written patterns, but also a series of links to tutorial videos on YouTube that walks the knitter through each step of the sock knitting process.

What I learned

There were a few things I realized as I completed – yes, I did it! – a pair of socks on my own.

First, instead of using Magic Loop (one point of my confusion was the reallocation of stitches and being clear about the direction in which I was knitting), I chose to use double pointed needles (DPNs). When you have to adjust stitch placement, it is very clear which is needle 1, 2, and 3, and you know exactly how many stitches are supposed to be on each needle at any given time. No cords or loops to try to reconfigure.

Second, before I took on knitting a regular pair of socks with small needles and thin sock yarn, I also loved Staci’s pattern because it’s purpose is more to help the knitter gain experience in the basic functions of sock knitting – using larger needles and worsted weight yarn. This allowed me to see the stitches clearly and the parts that once gave me so much trouble, while following along in the videos, were navigated with ease.

Finally, in this whole multi-year experience to really grasp the fundamentals of sock knitting, I learned it requires practice and perseverance. I finished my first pair (as you see above), and I’m working on my second pair (in which I’ve already made some adjustments to the pattern by using a contrast color for heel and toe accents). With each of the three socks I’ve done so far (I’m working on the mate of the grey/yellow one), the technique becomes more clear, and the sections that were once complex for me are now feeling more natural.

Putting it all together

It’s the kitschy phrase we hear as children that rings so true: “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” There are some things that I know I have the physical ability to do, and there are things I really want to do. Sock knitting is one of them. I knew that in order to knit socks, I had to keep trying, and even have a good cry now and then when something went terribly wrong. (You don’t even want me to go into the sock knitting mistakes I have made, though I’ve written about a few of them on this site.) Had I not made those mistakes, I wouldn’t have continued to learn until I became comfortable and knowledgeable enough to make the first pair on my own, and then I went right in to my second pair to continue practicing.

You may have no personal interest in knitting a pair of socks, but you may want to knit hats or sweaters. Whatever the more challenging project to which you aspire, the reality is we all make mistakes. The great news is that we always have the choice to either walk away defeated, or to keep going and learn along the way.

May all your knitting goals be reached in the New Year!

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Domestic Bliss

10 Dec

This past week, I hit “Submit” and posted my last term paper of the semester.  It was 18 pages and over 6,000 words.  The week before last, I wrote another paper of comparable size.  As this weekend approached, my brain was tired.  It seemed appropriate, then, to spend today, my first day without a book to read, annotation or sketch to write, or presentation to prepare for, doing other things that feed my soul.

Sleeping In

Most days of the week, our house gets going at 5:45 a.m.  If my Other Half does a morning workout, we do 5:30, but in general, it’s 5:45 a.m.  On weekends, we may set the alarm for 7:30 or 8 so I can get up to get a few hours of homework in before I run errands.  Today, though, we set no alarm, and let the morning sun greet us through the blinds, the Comedy & Tragedy masks a friend brought us from Venice hung above the window staring down at us.

Even if I still wake up early, there’s something about waking up naturally, no abrupt slamming into the day, but a gentle waltz into consciousness.  Once I wake up, I, much like my father, have no problem laying in bed another 20 or 30 minutes.  I ponder the day ahead and things on my agenda, and if it is a chilly morning, I simply enjoy the warmth under layers of blankets.  Regardless of circumstances, waking up without an alarm was a simple joy this morning.

Knitting Frenzy

My parents live in Northern California where they have true winters and cold temperatures, and they also enjoy taking early morning walks around the neighborhood.  This year, Mom asked for a knitted hat she could sport on these regular promenades so amidst completing my last paper, I also knit a ribbed hat for her.

Yesterday, I started a matching scarf to accompany the hat and now the knitting-toward-Christmas frenzy begins.  I have a week to finish knitting the scarf and blocking it before both the scarf and hat get sent to California and to arrive in time for the holiday.

This morning, I eased into the day, spending an hour or so curled up in my favorite chair, a cup of robust coffee on the table next to me, knitting row after row of the scarf.  The last time I was able to do so without cause for concern of time was in August before the semester started, so it was very grounding to be able to spend more than a few minutes at a time knitting a project that I hope will bring joy to someone else.

Time in the Kitchen

Something else I enjoy doing is cooking, especially for others, including Mr. O.H. (Other Half).  Today, after I got home from grocery shopping, I got busy.  I baked lemon bars.  I made a pistachio pudding salad with crushed pineapple, cottage cheese, and Cool-Whip.  I made a Chicken Divan casserole.  It was a day full of comfort foods and of spending time in my intimate bungalow kitchen preparing a delicious dinner for my partner and me.

I do spend time cooking during school, but we tend to focus more on 30-Minute Meals so I can quickly return to reading or writing.  Today, I had no place I needed to be and no requirements placed upon my time.  It was energizing to return to the kitchen!

Feeding the Soul

Certain activities may or may not be conscious choices, but what I know for sure is there are things that, for whatever reason, feed our individual souls.  Some may get that energy and refueling from working out or running, others by getting involved with a performing group or community theater, some perform volunteer work, and still others make time to enjoy simple pleasures (like cooking and knitting).  It’s very easy to let time get the best of us, as well as the many demands placed on our time.  But in those moments when you feel the tension coming on, when your patience wears a little thin, or you just want to have a few martinis to numb the pain, consider stepping away for even a short while to do something that you really love to do.  You can listen to some inspiring music or read a chapter in an entertaining book to help you get your mind off things, if only temporarily.

This season is typically busy for many, to the point that we end up not able to truly enjoy the season and the people with whom we are celebrating because we reach the holiday itself in a full state of exhaustion.  Make this year different, and much more enjoyable for yourself (and those around you).  Take time to do the things you love, pursue your passions, and find those unique opportunities when you, too, can refuel and feed your soul.

 

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How do I do it?

27 Nov

With only two class meetings to attend and two final papers to submit, my first semester in graduate school draws to a close.  Part of me recalls the joy and exuberance I felt in March of this year when I received the email I was accepted.  Then, I recall how incredibly tough I was on myself the first week of the semester, my confidence nearly shattered.  But as I sit here now, reflecting on the semester in its entirety, I know that I am changed because of it all.  I’ve met some really nice people, all on their own respective artistic journeys.  I’ve learned so much, not only from professors, but also from fellow students.  In a short period of time, I’ve learned to look at things differently and my learning has enjoyed immediate application along the way.

People often say to me, “I don’t know how you have a full-time job and take two college classes and still have a life!”  I’ve thought about this question for some time and so I thought I’d put a few thoughts down about what has helped me enjoy this semester so much.

Clarity of Purpose

It sounds obvious, but one thing I have never wavered from is having clarity of purpose.  School is one of my top priorities and by making it so, that has made making decisions about what to do or not do easier.  Have I missed out on a few things?  Yes, of course.  There is only so much time in a day.  But because I’m pursuing my personal passion, my homework consists of reading and writing – two things I love to do.  

Having a very clear vision of what you want to accomplish anchors in your psyche the compass that guides your every action, and that purpose is used as a filter for all that you do.

Time Management

It’s an overused term, I agree.  But a little planning and setting aside specific time to do what needs to get done has been a critical success factor for me.  On certain evenings or on weekends, I know I need to complete certain assignments because if I don’t do them at that moment, they won’t get done on time.  And submitting any assignment late is not an option for me.  

It also involves learning to say no.  This hearkens back to having clarity of purpose – if you are clear about your end result, your ultimate goal, you make decisions about the use of time in a way that supports that goal.

It’s Not Easy

Perhaps I have made the process look easy to those with whom I work or to close friends.  They see me enjoying school, which I absolutely do, but they do not see the hard work that happens when I am alone, facing the blank computer screen to write a creative sketch, or the hours spent researching to find a few quotes on a very specific topic.  And, as I did just yesterday, in one day, writing a 3,200 word 10-page draft of a paper.

What I have learned in all of this is that many of the cliched life lessons we hear are true.  You get out of something what you put into it.  Manage time, don’t let time manage you.  Anything worth doing is worth doing well.  Whatever bumper sticker you subscribe to, what I know for sure is that it makes all the difference when you are doing something you love, when you follow your passion.  It never feels like work.  I don’t find myself saying, “Ugh, I have to go to class again.”  All that I am doing and learning is, in some way, contributing to the pursuit of my art.  And that is, to me, what it’s all about.

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Inspiration is in the Details

13 Nov

As a writer, I am constantly in search of inspiration. I am an observer of the world around me and as I have spent more time writing I, too, have found so much in the small details of my life.

If there is any place that has the power to inspire in so many ways, it is New York City. I visit the city three or four times a year and every time I discover something new, acquire a new find, or see something that sparks my imagination.

When it comes to writing, this city offers immeasurable details and a colorful cast of characters on which to reflect. The history is rich and regardless of where I go, I see or hear or smell something that intrigues me.

I am writing this post, in fact, in New York, and already a few things have inspired me.

Walking in Greenwich Village yesterday, a small girl was overheard telling her mother, “Mom, I wish we were in The Hamptons.” Just this one quote made me think about who those people are, and I tried to imagine a life in which, as a child, I was faced with the quandary of strolling In the Village or spending time in The Hamptons.

At a brunch yesterday, a young woman spoke of the system with which she categorizes her friends. “I have my fun friends who were mostly waitresses until they turned 30 and who are always late and really fun to go out with,” she said. “Then I have my smart friends – they’re the ones I meet for dinner and good conversation. We usually meet at 7 and and I’m home by 10:30.” This is a whole other blog post, but introduced an interesting concept to me, something to write in my notebook and to explore at a later date.

What was reinforced in both instances is the importance of carrying a small notebook in my bag and a pen – tools of the writer’s trade – so I could quickly jot down these images, conversations, the details of my life. Writing them down locks them in, gives me something to refer to later, and creates a chronicle of my experience.

What I’ve also found is that when I observe these details I become more aware of the world around me, more focused on the present moment. These sensory details, these observations, are what is happening right here, right now, and gives me a greater appreciation of the moments of my life.

Wherever you may find yourself, whether in a big city or at a provincial gathering, taking time to observe the details of the world around you can be a grounding practice, a way to savor each moment. And if you are a writer, those moments, the details of your life, make up the story you are here to tell.

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Lessons from an Evening with Gloria Steinem

31 Oct

Last Friday, I had the opportunity to attend “An Evening with Gloria Steinem” at Rollins College in Winter Park, Florida.  I knew of her work, especially in the 1970s and 80s, focused on the feminist movement, but did not have a recent sense of her platform, her level of activism for not only women but indigenous people and same-sex marriage.  It was an evening that to describe with “inspiring” does not do it justice.  There were some specific points I found poignant and I want to share a few with you.

“This moment is unrepeatable.”

Her opening statement acknowledged the importance of the moment.  The moment in which hundreds were gathered in a college arena to listen to a cultural and historical icon speak, that same combination of experiences, perspectives, and DNA will never be in that exact same form again.  That notion, for me, immediately set a tone of collective oneness with those around me – many very different from me, many the same (and all assessment simply based on appearances).

Her statement made me realize that, in any given moment, whether shared with one, a group, or alone, is never to be repeated in precisely the same manner, with exactly the same outcome.  By opening with this statement, it not only made me appreciate what was happening and of what I was a part, but also translates to any other moment that may follow in our lives.

Triangle vs. Circle

Steinem certainly had a few things to say about people in positions of privilege, whether economic privilege (acknowledging the efforts of the Occupy Wall Street movement), or male privilege, or white privilege.  One core element in the maintenance of privilege is the establishment of a power structure that looks like a triangle – where the masses are at the bottom, and the few who hold the riches and the keys to rule the land sit neatly at the top.

One phrase she used that I thought had great applications in managing conflict, whether at work or at home, was, “How can we turn this discussion from a triangle to a circle?”

You see, in a circle, everyone is equal, and faces one another.  What types of triangles exist in your life?  When you see a triangle playing out in a meeting or even informal interaction, what role can you play (will you play) to transform it into a circle?  Thinking about transforming meetings by pushing others to think more inclusively by using the triangle vs. circle model made a great deal of sense to me – and I look forward to trying it out soon.

Images of God

No topic appeared to be taboo for Steinem.  Religion, and particularly religious conservatism, came up.  She talked about the historical role of a certain church in the legalization and then subsequent criminalization of abortions (citing very specific historical details effortlessly).  She also talked about religion and the privileges that being part of a large-scale organized religion brings.

“When images of God reflect the ruling class, you’re in deep shit,” Gloria said.  There is so much power in that statement, and as I think about the images of Jesus and of God that I saw growing up as a white boy in California – they all looked like me.  But historically, when all the images of God in any region where a particular religion is popular among the citizenry actually look like those in positions of power and privilege, and if you don’t match that image, as Gloria said, “You’re in deep shit.”  The ruling class has, in essence, likened their image to God’s, which only fuels their continued perception they are better than others.

Fertilized Egg v. Woman

As I continue to understand the privileges I experience simply by being male in this country, probably one of my biggest a-ha moments was when Gloria discussed the social discourse around abortion and how the language is very carefully phrased to refer to “the fertilized egg.”  Using this phrase, versus talking about women, their bodies, and what they may do with their bodies, helps people forget the abortion issue is about women making their own choices.  It’s not about a fertilized egg – it’s about the woman, her decisions, her reproductive rights, and it is not the government’s role to tell any woman what to do with her own body.

This one made me really mad, and even after a woman during Q&A challenged this notion, Gloria respectfully and kindly acknowledged that ultimately it is about letting a woman decide whether to have an abortion…or not – and to not deny her rights to do either.

Tell Our Stories

Towards the end of the evening, Gloria stressed the importance of telling our stories.  When we are presented as aggregates – women, men, heterosexuals, gays and lesbians – it is very easy, particularly for those in positions of power and privilege, to discount the impact certain policies or laws or hateful behaviors affect those in underrepresented groups.  When each of us, however, gathers the courage and uses the outlets we each possess, to tell our stories, to talk about our experiences in productive ways that help others realize there are other truths different from theirs – that’s when real change of heart and mind can happen!

As a writer, this call to action resonated with me.  I think of the stories about my life I have told here in the past couple of years and how it is possible that, to a reader of whom I may not even be aware, there is always the possibility someone may read a sentence or two and find comfort, joy, or inspiration.  The beauty of being human is that we all have this power – through the telling of our stories in whatever way we feel most confident (some write, some paint, some sing).  This call to arms was also about taking action, about doing something tomorrow, and then the next day, and the day after that.  Action is critical if we ever want to make progress.

What it all means to me

As I thought about relating the many messages, both great and small, discussed on Friday night, I turned inward and thought about myself and about the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender community of which I am a member.  I thought about how it seems we spend so much time trying to shape how other people view our community, trying to manage perceptions and misunderstandings, minimize the myths and spread our truth.  What I’m not sure we do as often in the LGBT community is spend focused time and effort looking inward, working more on how we view ourselves, and then appreciating the value and reward that can come from that type of introspection.

Growing up gay, we receive so many negative messages about who we are, being told that who and what we are is a sin, it’s an abomination, it’s ugly, or it’s just plain wrong.  Not that we are damaged goods, but there has been a little damage done to each of us along the way, those that received these messages, whether infrequently or often.  I tried to search on Amazon for books that were inspirational for LGBT people, that helped encourage, inspire, and heal.  From what I found, those volumes are few and very far between.

This is also true on an individual level.  Sometimes we spend a lot of time worrying about what other people think of us – but the reality is that no matter how much energy we put into trying to shape their perspectives, the other person, group, or entity will still see us however they want (and filtered through their own views, perceptions, and past experiences).

I see much greater rewards emerging from energy focused on caring for ourselves.  When we give ourselves the proper care and feeding, physically and emotionally, that makes us a better partner, colleague, and friend to others.  If we spend the time we need looking inward, we are then better equipped to care for one another.  We can have the power to turn a triangle into a circle, one unrepeatable moment at a time.

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Taking the Stage

23 Oct

When I began my MFA studies in August of this year, I told myself that I would use this time to really branch out, experiment, do things I’ve never done before.  It is a noble cause in one’s own mind, but as the opportunities emerge, some, I must say, feel commensurate to rappelling in the Grand Canyon, cliff diving in Acapulco.  Such was the case on October 9 when I participated in a new reading series, “Parcels: MFAs in Progress” with five of my fellow students from University of Central Florida.

Preparations

In my professional career, I have done a great deal of public speaking.  From small classrooms of 20 people to large ballrooms of over 1,000 people, as long as I know what I’m talking about, these scenarios have not been problematic.  However, the content was corporate, not part of me and who I am.  But as I worked on the piece I read and the overall presentation I would make, I realized it made me a little, well, crazy.

I read and re-read, out loud, the piece I was going to present.  I rehearsed, trying different tones and inflections to ensure the message I wanted to convey came across perfectly.

Before the reading, I took painstaking care in personal grooming (more so than I already typically do, if that is possible), and I did not take a seat at the venue until after I read (so that my new Banana Republic Monogram shirt would not wrinkle before I stood in front of the crowd).  I know.  Don’t judge.

In some ways, I went into that same obsessive mindset I do just before hosting a dinner party.  I call it, “Going Martha,” and I think, in a small way, that may have been what I did in the days and minutes leading up to my reading.

The Moment

Sade sang the lyrics long ago:  ”It’s never as good as the first time.”  That may be true, but as my first time on stage reading my own creative work, this night was exhilarating.  Did I have dry mouth and want to pass out?  Yes, of course.  But as I stood at the microphone and read my words, I looked out at a field of 50 friendly faces, many my fellow students, faculty, and a few friends and family.  It was a moment in which I knew I just needed to dive in and swim around in what was happening.  That’s what I tried to do.

After Glow

I was the second reader of the evening, so I was able to return to my seat and relax, enjoying the rest of the reading.  I had achieved a milestone and had done something completely new for me.  I was living my vision, driving toward my goals of greater experimentation and presence in the local creative landscape.

During intermission, J. Bradley, host of There Will Be Words, a fantastic monthly reading series, also held at Urban ReThink, approached me and introduced himself.  He said he appreciated my work and would like to invite me to be one of the featured writers at the January 2012 TWBW.  This was a great surprise to me and I was honored by his invitation.  One step forward pushed me in a new direction, the wheel keeps turning, and I will take the stage once again on January 10.

What I Know For Sure

When we push ourselves to venture into unexplored territory, our small steps lead to bigger victories.  Is it easy?  Rarely, if ever.  But is it exhilarating as you feel the rush of the moment, realize that what you’ve done is leading you toward the bigger vision you have for your life?  Absolutely!

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